I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
But I really needed water water water
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700