@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.