Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on