lot going on here, legally speaking.
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Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow