On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”