The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
this country is so goddamn polarized
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”