Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
This made me chuckle.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.