will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.