Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
dam girl
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.