The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.