[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
You Might Also Like
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend