Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Yup.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.