Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
You Might Also Like
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.