You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break