There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Tony Hawk, age 6
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.