I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I wish I could veto my bills.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive