There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Had to try this trend 😊
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
the clam before the storm
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….