The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies