So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
mood
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
my nickname in college