if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.