9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…