I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.