Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
The news in a nutshell.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’ve had worse
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I told my vodka about you.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I would like even faster food.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.