Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!