[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why