Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.