Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
You Might Also Like
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me