GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
set yourself free xox
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.