AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.