Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds