Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.