I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.