I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine