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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.