Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
good work, detective
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..