Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You Might Also Like
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Dietest Coke
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.