Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Not😆🤣
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible