I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The symmetry is uncanny.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.