chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
You Might Also Like
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Pass gas, not judgment.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time