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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.