Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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Just in case to be clear #gbbo
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
#SaturdayBears
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals