I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
ok like just. call me at this point
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.