My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?