Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?