I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE