When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.