Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*seductively eats two tums*
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants