For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”