[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money