They’re really bad with fonts.
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Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald